112: "tudung dan saya" [part two]

Ini sambungan dari ini

Dalam aku mencari2 diri..tiba2 datang ini:

Then came the affordable hair-straightening. It was also my time to continue my studies abroad; in New Zealand. Finally, my neck's free. But the problem was, i was actually more towards showing off my "beautiful" hair; instead of free-ing my neck. pfft.

tahun gila.

Kalau perangai aku buruk dengan tudung, apatah lagi tanpa tudung. I was becoming worse. I know I was still finding my way 'home'. Somehow I was lost. Again.

Hati tetap kosong. Minda tercari2.

Sebenarnya aku cukup beruntung kerana ketika di sekolah menengah aku duduk di asrama dan dikelilingi kawan2 yang baik2 belaka. dan kami di latih membuat 'rutin' yang sepatutnya membuat aku seorang insan yang berguna. Solat 5 waktu dan ibadat2 lain; berbaik2 sesama orang; dan berfikir.

tapi semenjak aku tinggalkan sekolah itu; aku susah untuk teruskan rutin2 itu. tapi syukur aku masih berfikir. Aku terus mencari. Sampai di New Zealand, sekali lagi aku bersyukur aku ditemukan seorang rakan yang sentiasa mengingatkan aku pada Dia. But still, I was empty. I got into more tangles. Sambung sampai lah aku balik Malaysia.

2007-2009 adalah antara tahun2 yang aku gila. Tapi aku masih mencari.


Meanwhile, I was continuing my studies by entering the practicum phase. I taught in a school in KL for 3 months. Little did I know that I would find my trigger there.


That was the scene that pushed me more to question myself and my belief. The kid; 13 years old decided to ask me the question I had been asking myself too (dlm tidak sedar), the question was: "...why arent you wearing tudung like the other Muslim teachers?"

and I answered: (dalam keadaan tersentak tapi pura2 cool) "I chose not to"
then I left.

Actually wearing tudung represents all the other things that are demanded by Islam. Solat 5 waktu, Puasa, Zakat, berbaik2, memperbaiki diri dan mendekatkan diri kepada Tuhan.

Kalau kau tidak pernah bertanya kenapa diri kau kenapa tidak buat semua itu, hati kau mungkin sakit. lagi sakit dari hati aku yang memang dah sakit tenat pun masa itu.

soalan itu aku bawa sampai pulang sabah.
Aku rindu Allah. Macam semua orang lain juga. Cuma ramai yang tidak sedar yang mereka sedang merindu.

Jadi aku cuba selangkah kembali. By wearing my tudung

But ofcourse, it wasnt easy at all.

I wore it for the first time in years. While I was driving, I went crazy with the uneasiness. But I begged Him, Ya Allah, bagi lah aku pakai tudung, kurangkan lah ke-geli-an ini..
And suddenly I could distract myself from the feeling and focus on my driving.
After awhile, I accepted the fact. Most of the time I still could go crazy over the geli2-an, but I try to control it.

Yang penting itu satu langkah ke hadapan.

Then He let my husband and I meet and wed. I am happy. I am now for one man and one man only. my beauty is only for him.

And we both are still finding our way towards Him. together. Helping each other.